Nerve_30 [E] || KNJ
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Nerve [Namjoon x Reader]
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Part 30 - Finale [E]
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Genre - cheating; aftermath; husband au;
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Warning - Cheating(Aftermath); Angst; Attempted Sexual Assault(Aftermath); Heavy Angst; Anger; Anxiety; Overwhelming Feelings; Memories tied to a traumatic event; Psychological Trauma.; PTSD; Sadness; Emotional Hurt; Comfort; Hopelessness; Guilt; Self-loathing; Self-hate;
Word Count - 7k
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‘I just wish you would have told me.’
You sighed for the twentieth time that night.
‘I wanted to tell you the truth, Yu,’ you paused to gather the right words. ‘But I also didn’t want you to hate him. I didn’t want to lose him.’ Because hating him would hurt you.
‘Regardless of what he thinks of me, he does love you and your sister. You both meant something to him.’
You heard Yuna snort over the phone. 'I don’t know what to believe, honestly. For all we know, he could have been looking at Helen and I, in the same way, and we just… didn’t notice.’
'No.’ You disputed her claims immediately. 'It was a different love for you and Helen. He enjoyed taking care of you two–you were family. He took a lot of it in stride. Periods, permission slips, even boyfriend phases. He was very proud of the both of you. And he loved being that so-called father figure as well.’ You bit your bottom lip before continuing. 'It was just me, that he… you know…’
You sat in silence, waiting for her to speak as you traced the purple whale pattern on the pillow in front of you.
‘You can’t imagine how unbelievably mad I am at you’
You closed your eyes and dropped your head back onto the nook by the windowsill, the pre-dawn sky keeping you company by the window, and Namjoon in bed across from you, one arm curled under his head as he played with his phone in the other.
‘Considering the fact that it’s barely after 5am, and we’re both on the phone…’
‘Don’t be a smartass with me right now.’ She scolded.
Honestly, you wanted to feel bad that her wedding night was ruined in all her concern for you, but it’s not like your evening was any better.
‘You being mad at me, is making me mad, Yuna.’ You had to be brutally honest with her and feed into your denial. ‘I did not have to tell you.’
‘And that’s fair, y/n. Your pain is your pain.’ She didn’t miss a beat. ‘I mean, I know that you would need to come to terms with it on your own… but,’ you almost smiled, as you imagine her eyes going into slits, ‘Can you honestly tell me that I was not the reason you kept this to yourself. All this time.’
You couldn’t deny what she was saying. Not at all. Feeling annoyingly cornered, you looked at Namjoon, admiring his solid edges, and the frown that kept his tongue poking the inside of his cheek.
Namjoon had taken care of you all night. He came through with the oreos and coffee, like he promised, but you had no strength to go into the kitchen so he brought them to the room and you both sat on the floor.
It was not hard to make conversation with Namjoon. You could talk about work, about his work, about the reality of life and your dreams of the future, but mostly you vented about your past, your Dad, Kwang and his actions.
And Namjoon listened.
When you were finally settled, he brushed out your hair, and climbed into bed next to you, holding you as close to him as possible.
You were exhausted enough to fall asleep in mere minutes, but it didn’t last long. You had a nightmare that woke you up and pushed you over the edge into a panic, Namjoon brought you back to reality. You wanted to shower again, this time he sat on the lid of the toilet and took you back to bed when you were done.
It was hard to get back to sleep, even harder to be present in the moment and feel the comfort that your husband’s arms could usually provide.
So instead of tossing and turning you grabbed your Mono blanket and sat at the window nook. He stayed awake with you, not pushing or forcing you, just giving you space, but still making sure you knew that he wasn’t going anywhere.
That’s when Kenta called.
Yuna wasn’t like you. She wore her emotions on her sleeve but she didn’t cry at the drop of a hat the way you did. She would rather fight, argue, use her anger as a shield before breaking down into hysterics. So when you heard her crying over the phone, Kenta apologizing for disturbing you so early in the morning, knowing she needed you, you instinctively placed her at the forefront of your priorities.
It took some time to get her to calm down, even utter a coherent sentence without the words ‘I’m sorry’ tagged at the end of it, but she was okay, and you felt better talking to her. You just weren’t a fan of the direction that conversation headed after. And you were tired, exhausted even – so being nice, being kind… you had no energy for any of it.
‘I won’t apologize, Yuna. I’d still rather you didn’t know.’ Honesty was the only choice when you were cornered as you were. You had made your choice to keep things under wraps a long time ago – you would make that same choice all over again if you had to. Protecting Yuna was a priority. ‘I’d rather you lived your life, happy, carefree, with at least some version of a family to turn to.’
‘Oh, that’s real cute, y/n.’ Sarcasm dripped from her tone. ‘A psychotic sister, and an uncle who’s a sexual offender, I hit the motherfucking jackpot.’
You weren’t irritated with the jibe, mostly because she sounded faraway. You were too tired to actually feel anything. You shook your head, trying to keep yourself present.
‘I didn’t want to take you away from your family.’ You brushed your fingers through your hair, gripping lightly in frustration. ‘I know you’ll always choose me. And I… I couldn’t do that to you.’
‘Y/n, I wouldn’t choose you for the hell of it. I’d choose you because they were wrong. They are wrong. For different reasons.’
You made a face, not wanting to talk about this anymore. ‘Can we drop it? Please? I don’t like that you’re mad at me, but you have a right to be and that’s okay, but I need to deal with this on my own and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.’
Anxiety got the better of you as you were met with silence on her end. Did you push her too far away?
‘I’m sorry, y/n.’
‘Stop it.’ You made a face. ‘Stop hurting.’ You brushed her off. 'There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. None of it was your fault.’ You turned your neck to the side and stretched a little. Your body was aching for some godforsaken reason. Maybe it was the fatigue. 'You can’t control his actions and you of all people should know that.’
‘Can you blame me? Would you be able to rest easy knowing you aided and abetted something so despicable?’
‘You didn’t know.’
‘Yeah, whose fault is that?’
‘For fucks, sake Yuna, what good has it done?’ You didn’t bother to hold back your frustration. ‘So now that you know you, what good does it do? You literally disowned him, the only parental figure you had left.’
‘I am not like you, y/n! You may keep your ties with your father, albeit at a distance, but I can’t keep ties with someone when all I’ve ever known about them was a complete load of bullshit! I burn bridges and I don’t regret it.’
You pulled your lips together in an effort to keep your mouth shut. Because Yuna was right. You tolerated way more from your father than you should have.
‘Yes, I miss my parents. Yesterday, more than ever. But I know and love genuine people that I choose to consider my family. Kenta, Yoshi and Jinx, Taehyung, Hoseok… you, y/n. And I would never compromise on those relationships, especially not for something so wrong.’
You took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.
You understood what she was saying, but you were not gonna budge. Internally you knew you would go back and make the same decision. To keep it from her. Because no one, absolutely no one deserves to know that they loved and cared, let alone respected, someone capable of sexual assault.
It was a mind boggling thing, that it was so ‘normal’ and there were so many stories of it, and so many women that had lived through it… but having it happen to you, or having actually known someone with those thoughts and the daring to follow through with them…
'I would have fully supported you if you decided that you wanted to file a formal report and put him behind bars. Hell, I’d go as far as throwing away the key without batting an eye! But now it’s pointless, because you let him go!’
You couldn’t stay quiet this time. 'Back then maybe it would have given me something, even a sense of satisfaction! But not now. My father didn’t do it when it mattered most, Yu. He didn’t listen to me, he didn’t file a report, and he didn’t protect me. And I have lived my whole goddamn life just fine… whether Kwang was around or not.’ You met Namjoon’s eye, his head tilted in your direction, watching over you and you let his strength fill you with pride. ’ I did pretty damn well for myself. And I will be just fine for the rest of my life. Because I don’t want to make this a big thing. I don’t want the stress of paperwork and legal fees and reporters having a field day over my life. That’s my choice. That’s for me. And everyone who loves me… should be able to afford me that.’
You didn’t know what she was going to say next, but you knew whatever it was you would have an answer for it, because you were so tired of explaining yourself, when you really didn’t need to.
I can’t say I agree with that, y/n.’ Yuna admitted softly, causing your anger to quickly die down. ‘But I also don’t know what to do, how to feel, what to say to you to make this right for you… I can’t even imagine what you’re going through,’ she clicked her tongue, ‘or what you’ve gone through.’
‘As long as you don’t start crying again, I think we’ll be fine.’
‘Yeah,’ her voice dropped like she turned away from the phone, ‘Kenta is standing by.’
You chuckled half-heartedly. ‘Give the man a break. ‘It’s only your first night of marriage and already Kenta had to call for back-up.’ You tried to tease her, but your efforts fell flat when she didn’t meet you halfway.
‘He’s worried about you too.’
‘I’m fi –,’ a dull waft of déjà vu overcame you. You used the same words on the same man the night before. You closed your eyes and pulled your knees up, to rest your chin against them. ‘I’ll be fine.’
It was actually so hard to keep reassuring her. There was never a need to save a conversation with Yuna before. To think of what to say, to try and change the subject or make a joke.
It felt forced, and you were not in the mood.
Actually, no. You wanted to tell her the truth, come clean about all the gory details and yell and scream and cry and just let it all bubble up so you wouldn’t have to mask your pain from her, or act in front of her, or hold your tongue like it was the seams of a corset that needed to be tied tight together.
But Kwang Jae was still her family. And she was still reeling from the discovery of the reality of him.
You couldn’t add to it. Not with her. You might never be able to talk about it with her, simply because of who she was to him… and to you.
‘When?’
The question had you blinking your eyes open. ‘Huh?’
‘When can we talk about it? No secrets. No filters. Everything.’
You inhaled shakily, as softly as you possibly could, because if you cried, she would hear it in your voice. It was stupid for such an honest question to rattle you, it was even more stupid for you to hold onto the pain, the secret, like it was only yours to keep, only yours to deal with. ‘I don’t know… if I ever can talk about it.’
‘I leave in three days, babe.’
You blew out a puff of air. ‘Maybe the distance will do us some good.’ You didn’t want to hurt her. But it’s not like she knew how to handle you either. You were a victim of her Uncle and though you had never considered her as such, she was still Kwang Jae’s niece.
‘I don’t want to leave like this. I don’t want us to have time apart and not talk and be awkward. We can’t have distance like this, y/n…this has happened to us before and I don’t want us to go through that again. Just the mere thought of it hurts already.’
Once again you were reminded of how selfish you were when you took over Arem, pushing Yuna so far away she had no choice but to live life without you for a while.
‘I can’t miss you, y/n… It hurts to miss you. Physically, I can deal… but emotionally…’
‘Of course you have to go.’ Your heart broke for her, but you had to be practical. ‘You were always going to go, Yu.’ You swiped away tears when they fell out of your eyes and you sniffed shortly. ‘We need some time to figure things out, that doesn’t mean we aren’t friends anymore. You are definitely not going to lose me.’
You could practically feel her panic when she said, ‘I can change plans easily.’
Your face twisted in annoyance, something miserable. You knew she was pulling at straws. Namjoon caught your eye and you nodded softly, reassuring him. ‘Tell you what, I’m coming with you to set up and when we’re over there, I’ll answer whatever you want me to answer, within reason. But for now, for today when we finalize packing and whatever else we need to… be normal. For me. For now. Please.’
‘Kinda hard for me to be normal, when you leave pastel pink lingerie in my en-suite bathroom – the material is exquisite by the way.’
You swallowed hard in relief as she changed the subject. You wiped away stray tears before you answered. ‘Figured you’d want something pink.’ You looked at the clock, 5.30am. You rubbed your eyes.
‘You know, it still hasn’t hit me that I got married yesterday.’
‘Hmm,’ you smiled sadly. ‘Yuna Mei. A whole wife.’ You chuckled wetly. ‘I think it’s been a long time coming, Yu. You’ve done so much alone, been through so much pain with the wrong ones… we’ve always believed that the universe rewards accordingly.’
‘I really am lucky to have him.’ You could hear sadness in her voice.
‘What are you thinking?’ You prompted her, not willing to ignore any of her reservations, no matter what they were about.
‘I thought she would show up. At least, a small part of me hoped.’
You knew who she was talking about. You also knew how much strength it took her to admit to you of all people that she missed her sister immensely.
You would always rather Yuna tell you the truth, about all her feelings. She didn’t need to hold back on your behalf.
‘I’m sorry about Helen.’ You had the decency to be genuine about that statement. You would tolerate Helen any day for Yuna.
‘Yeah,’ she scoffed, ‘But I mean it was a long shot anyway. And let’s not forget that she wasn’t welcome.’ You heard the disappointment in her voice, but you couldn’t comfort her. Having Helen there would have been the cherry on the top. ‘God I can just imagine if she were there, what a fuck up it would have been. Yuna went silent for a minute then she snorted, ‘Fucking Neenah.’
‘What?’ Your eyebrows furrowed and you sat up, instantly alert. ‘What did you say?’
‘What?’ Yuna sounded confused. ‘Neenah?’
‘Yeah, who’s Neenah?’ You swung your legs over the nook, as Namjoon got out of the bed.
‘Neenah as in Helen.’ She offered as if it was common knowledge.
‘What do you mean Neenah as in Helen? Helen is Helen. Whose Neenah?’
‘Helen is Neenah! Y/n, why are you freaking out? What’s this about?’
Namjoon mouthed the word ‘speaker’ as he came down on his haunches next to you.
‘Because of the name Neenah, Yuna.’ You moved the phone away from your ear and tapped the speaker icon. ‘Since when is Helen, Neenah? She doesn’t have a second name.’
‘She doesn’t have a second name. It’s Neenah Jae. You know, as in Kwang Jae, so Neenah Jae. She practices under that name. Actually it’s her new name. Well, no, wait, it’s not actually new, because that’s the name she’s used ever since she started practicing law. Such a fucking waste of a gesture now that I know the truth.’
‘How have I not known this?’ You stared at the phone like it was a bug, not really understanding what she was droning on about. ‘And isn’t it illegal to have a different name.’
‘No. I mean there is this ethics thing that considers it ‘misleading’ if she uses two names.’ You could imagine her rolling her eyes at the word misleading. ‘But unless there’s improper motive or fraudulent activities tied to why she uses one name socially and another professionally, they can’t actually do anything to her. As for why you didn’t know, I mean it probably never came up. It’s not like we discuss her. She usually just leaves a bad taste behind.’
‘Why change it though?’ Namjoon mouthed to you and repeated the question. ‘Why did she change it?’
Yuna clicked her tongue. ‘Because she’s Unc – Kwang’s favorite.’ You didn’t miss the way she caught herself. ‘No, but seriously, I never needed to change my name. Mum and Dad gave it to me and I kept their last name, because I like the link to them, even if it’s a painful connection. But Helen took Kwang’s last name and somehow it worked out because we showed appreciation for our parents and for Uncle Kwang for taking care of us. It was supposed to be a grand gesture of sorts.’
‘Neenah though?’ you questioned where it even came from.
‘Oh yeah, that’s what Unc, Fuck!’ She cursed and continued, 'Kwang used to call her when we were little and ran around in diapers. I was Nana and she was Neenah.’
You looked back at Namjoon, unable to follow her down memory lane. He placed his hand on your knee and added pressure that somehow eased the motions of your building anxiety. He mouthed ‘Gambit’.
‘Did she work at Gambit?’
You understood what he was doing. Namjoon was being logical, he was tying up every single loose end, because he knew how important this piece of information was.
‘Yep. Straight out of law school she started as an intern and did her articles and stuff for a small start-up part of the original firm. But you know Heli, she climbed on people, not ladders. Eventually she made her way to the main office at Gambit – the best of the best.’
‘Yu,’ you contemplated saying your next words, but went ahead anyway, ‘how much did Kenta tell you about what Huru found out about Maiya?’
‘Not, a lot. I mean I know the surface level bullshit. You know, her tragic backstory, blaming someone else, the mastermind being someone else.’ Yuna sounded regretful. ‘I’m sorry, y/n. I didn’t know how deep this went until recently. It’s been a whirlwind couple of weeks.’
‘No, I understand. But like, Yu, this is… ‘ you looked at Namjoon for a little help and he was already so broody and angry and protective and this new piece of information was so unexpected, ‘I mean she’s Maiya’s lawyer Yuna.’
Yuna stayed silent on her end, so you continued.
‘When Huru met up with us at Arem, he had a bunch of information at his fingertips. One of them being that her lawyer was a Neenah Jae that worked in Gambit Associates.’
‘Fuck. Me. Do you think Heli –?’
‘No,’ you said too fast to shut down her theory, even if you knew how plausible it was. ‘She stopped taking Maiya’s cases for a while now. And when we visited Gambit, they said Neenah had left. She doesn’t work there anymore.’
‘You’re saying she left work? Why? She loved that job!’
You shot Namjoon a pained look. This was obviously a coincidence. One skirting a fine line.
‘I’m not sure.’ You pushed your hair back and held your head. ‘I’m sorry… for my reaction. I just, it’s just a little paranoia settling in. So Heli was Maiya’s lawyer and worked her brother’s cases pro bono. It’s work. And it’s a small world.’
‘Not that small,’ Namjoon muttered.
‘Wait, no, what if she’s involved?’
‘Come on, Heli is mean and rude and really really bitchy…’ you tried to comfort her, this would be too much of a blow for her, ‘but let’s not read too much into this. We have no proof. And honestly, right now, we don’t have to. Maiya is behind bars, and whoever else was a part of this has to find a new pawn before they get to us again.’
‘I hope you’re right.’
‘I am. Don’t let this bother you, Yuna. If Heli or Neenah’s reputation precedes her, she probably took a lot of cases pro bono, not just Maiya’s.’ You didn’t wait for her to reply, you needed to get off the phone, to talk with Namjoon, to make sense of things. ‘Now go, you gotta get back to Kenta. I’ll see you later.’
‘Wait, y/n, –,’
‘I’m fine, I promise. There’s nothing to worry about.’
‘No, wait, do you have my necklace? Can you bring it over later?’
You scrunch your eyebrows. ‘Yeah, hold on.’
‘That’s why Kenta and I turned back last night. I know it’s stupid. And I know’ you’d keep it safe, but it’s something I have to have in my hand, you know.’ She babbled as she explained herself. And it wasn’t necessary. Because you did the same when you locked your doors. You’d walk all the way upstairs and back down again just to do a double check. Some things needed to be held, touched, seen in front of your eyes, a reassurance that it was real.
You motioned for Namjoon to reach over to grab your clutch from the floor near the bed. You flipped it open and felt around the small zipper compartment on the inside. ‘Yep, right here.’ You held it up… and did a double take.
‘Thank you so much for kee –,’
Yuna’s voice drowned out as you turned over the pendant in your palm.
Mum and Dad gave this to us when we were little. The clasp is loose, the memory of Yuna’s remarks from while she was getting ready before the ceremony echoed in your head.
Your mouth dropped open and your blood ran cold. You closed your eyes, and looked at it again.
‘Y/n?’ Yuna’s voice found its way to you.
‘Babe, I have it. I- um, I’ll see you later.’ You mumbled into the phone, ignoring Yuna’s protests before clicking the power button to end the call.
You tried to rationalize what you were seeing, you tried to justify any of the scenarios your brain scooped up, no matter how implausible. You couldn’t.
Before you knew it your legs were moving. It was like tunnel vision. Nothing mattered. Not your pain, or your exhaustion, or your trauma. Not Yuna, not even Namjoon. In that moment you were focused on one thing, and one thing only.
Throwing the door of your home office open, you raced in and searched through the floor plans on the desk and pushed aside any other item in your way until you found what you were looking for. A thin silver strand caught your eye. Breathing hard, you pull it up and compare the two pendants.
Silver circular backing, the etching of a compass, the North star, in diamantes. ‘Shit!’
You felt the heat of Namjoon’s body before he placed his hands on your waist. ‘Wanna tell me what’s going on?’
You held up your hand. Yuna’s necklace. ‘Yuna’s parents gave her this. They gave it to both daughters when they were really young. I kept this for her, because she wanted to use it today, but the clasp has always been a piece of work.’ You closed your eyes against the heavy truth. ‘That’s for damn sure.’
Namjoon was smart, but he couldn’t read minds – even you knew that. But you couldn’t explain, not when you were still figuring it out yourself.
To see y/n’s perfect little world crumble when she gets the guy, the company, both parents, money, fame, respect, and the sister… Let me grab a front row seat and popcorn.
Or really, it was always right there, in front of you and you just couldn’t bring yourself to accept it.
Your husband reached over to trace both necklaces. ‘Talk to me, baby. One belongs to Yuna… and the other?’
‘Hobi and I found it outside the bar.’ You licked your lip. ‘Around where the picture was taken.’
You didn’t need to look back at him. Namjoon didn’t need prompting. You could practically hear the gears in his head.
Until finally, he said the words out loud. ‘So this is definitely Helen’s?’
You nod slowly and concentrate on breathing deeply so your thoughts didn’t get too clouded.
‘Huru said that Maiya had a roommate with access to the legal department. Right?’
You loved this man. He could be so rational, even if the world was collapsing around him. In turn, that stability gave you something to stand on. ‘He said she’s got a record of someone staying with her, during her college years, into her working life.’
Hobi’s voice rang in your head. But she said it was her roommate, we all heard her.
Then Huru’s voice. Because the roommate that I couldn’t find, remember her y/n, that apparently took the pictures, well she’s got some connection with Gambit. I know this because I don’t have a single speck of information on her, other than the fact that they paid for her college tuition
You moved the rest of the papers off the desk onto the floor – you had to sit down. Because this was…this was fucked up. First the Uncle and now you were being fucked over by the twin.
You lifted your legs and placed your socked feet on the office chair and you clutched at the edge of the desk.
I can’t find her. It’s like she never existed.
Because Neenah didn’t exist. It was Helen’s past and Neenah’s future.
Okay. Okay. Think, y/n. Maiya. What was the point of Maiya?
Maiya has gotten Mihlan out of his sticky situations solely because she’s had a really good lawyer backing her up. Neenah Jae. Unfortunately she decided she didn’t really need to offer her services as pro bono any longer. She’s up for senior partner.
So Maiya needed Helen’s help… desperately. But Neenah wouldn’t give her the time of day… not unless Maiya would do something for her first.
Was it really that deep though? To fuck with her own self-respect.
Maiya’s voice from the club rang out. …the minute he was given to me to hold, I knew I would always protect him.
That made sense. And when Maiya mentioned that she had lost her brother all over again, because of you, she really meant that it was Helen that wanted you to leave Namjoon and lose it all, and when you didn’t, Neenah wouldn’t help Maiya. No wonder she was so unhinged.
Slowly, like the trickle of honey, the heavy, honest truth filled in all the blindspots.
You dropped your head into your hands and ran your fingers through your hair and tugged… hard.
You closed your eyes and rocked back and forth.
———-
‘Y/n.’ Namjoon said his wife’s name, in an effort to stabilize her.
She shook her head, a half-hearted attempt to keep him out. When she kept rocking her body forward and tugged harder at her hair, he knew he had to do something.
‘Y/n,’ he said firmly and shackled both her wrists. The rocking stopped.
‘What the fuck is this shit?’ She kept her eyes closed as she whispered the words. ‘Honestly, what the fuck!’ She raised her head and her voice. ‘I don’t deserve this Namjoon, we don’t deserve any of it!’
He invaded her personal space and took her into his arms.
What else could he do? What could he possibly say that could make up for any of the shit she had to deal with in such a short space of time. It was like Y/n was allowed the time to heal and grow and be happy, only for all of that progress to be derailed.
He knew it wasn’t fair. Y/n didn’t deserve any of the bullshit that had been thrown her way in the course of the last few weeks.
‘I’m not the cause of Helen’s problems, Namjoon!’ She placed her head against his abdomen and curled her arms around him, pulling him closer. He bent down and pressed a kiss into her hair.
‘This is all my fault, Joon. If she’s behind this, if she’s the one that’s doing all this, I –, ‘ she broke off, her mouth open, the shock still on her face as she shook her head, confused, still processing, ‘Fuck!’ She dropped her forehead against him.
Namjoon wasn’t used to feeling this helpless. All he could do was be there for her right now.
Backtracking everything, relooking at the files and connecting the dots… There was so much to retrace. Not to mention he had a packed schedule, Arem opened the following week, Kenta and Yuna were moving and all of it came second to the battle y/n had to fight within herself.
Crushing y/n closer to him. The anger that coursed through Namjoon was unyielding. It coursed through his veins, his bloodstream, until the tendons in his neck stood out and his body burned because he had nowhere to put it. He couldn’t make love to his wife, he couldn’t make her forget, he couldn’t find her with his hands and his mouth and his words as he usually would, not in her current state. He couldn’t leave her alone and vent to his brothers either.
The most important thing to Namjoon was reassuring Y/n that he would never leave her, not for anything, especially not for something that was not her fault to begin with.
She nudged him away and hopped off the desk without warning. ‘I have to call Kenta.’
He grabbed her by her arm. ‘Y/n, he literally got married yesterday and he’s really worried about you.’
Her eyes flashed fire. ‘You can’t tell me that Kenta of all people didn’t know about this bullshit.’ He loved her fire. He would always rather see her fight and argue and use her smartass mouth, he would take a bitchy y/n anyday, over a helpless one.
‘You can’t just demand answers from him. Imagine how he’d feel if you’re wrong about him knowing. If he does know, I believe he would have a good reason for keeping it from us.’ He brushed his knuckles across her cheek. Did he think that Kenta knew about Helen? Namjoon couldn’t know for sure. Was he equally pissed at the possibility of Kenta not knowing? Hell yes. But he wasn’t about to enable y/n. ‘Trust him, okay? You can ask him later when we see him.’
He watched as she mulled over his words, savored the moment when she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. Good. Holding her back from doing anything rash would also save her from saying anything she didn’t mean.
Y/n would feel the effects twice over, if she hurt the people she loved, unintentional or not.
‘I don’t know what to do.’ It was a jagged statement. Something that made her look small and vulnerable.
Namjoon touched his nose to hers. ‘I think you can afford yourself a day to process everything, baby. You don’t have to always be so strong.’
‘I don’t feel anything.’ She protested, a stubborn curve on her lips.
‘Not knowing how you feel or how to feel, is not the same as not feeling anything at all.’
‘Stop it.’ He narrowed his eyes at her tone, immediately on guard. ‘Stop being so accommodating.’ Her voice rose an octave with each word. ‘Stop being so understanding, stop rationalizing, stop pushing, just stop loving me like this.’ She growled and placed a fist on his sternum to keep him at a distance from her. ‘Look at what we just found out. Really look at it! I’ve basically fucked your life over, your career. God knows what else she has planned. I am the reason you cheated on me.’
‘First of all,’ he placed his hands on her ass, refusing to let her distance herself. ‘You don’t know the specifics, y/n. You don’t know why Helen was actually there. You don’t know if it was her plan or a coincidence.’
Y/n scoffed and rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be naive.’
‘You don’t have the right.’ He forced the statement through clenched teeth. ‘You don’t have the right to take responsibility. For any of it.’ He really, really wanted to bite her.
Y/n placed her forearms on his and glared, looking every bit a petulant, infuriating woman being told the truth they didn’t want to hear.
Namjoon looked at her pointedly, daring her to dispute. ‘Are you done with the generalizations? Want to make some more so I can shut them down?’
‘You sound like you’re pining for a fight, Namjoon.’
‘No, baby, you are.’ He squeezed her ass. ‘You have all this anger and all this pain and no place to put it and that’s why you’re snapping at me and you want to see if I will make good on your fears and walk away from you.’ He bent forward, stared into her eyes, and looked at her lips, but he didn’t kiss her. Not yet. Not this time. ‘I am not walking away. I am not folding. I am not giving you up. I don’t care who, what or why.’ He let her see how serious he was. ‘So if you want to fight, we’ll fight. You want me to ruin their lives and get rid of our problems permanently, I’ll do it. But it’s you and me, y/n.’ He whispered against her lips. ‘It’s always going to be you and me.’
Maybe it would seem like a long shot to keep fighting and clawing their way to each other, but it was the only thing that made sense to Namjoon. He would not let her push him away, not because of Kwang and definitely not for something like this.
He could see it as clear as day in her eyes, how terrified she was of losing him, of him getting hurt, and he wouldn’t let that fear win. Her bottom lip quivered, and she pushed hard enough that she got out of his hold and walked out of the study without another word.
Namjoon let her go. He watched her go, her bare feet, long legs walking away from him, his oversized t-shirt engulfing her small form… he was protective as a norm, but this feeling, the need to keep her safe, to protect her, to do anything for her fears and her pain to go away… it clawed at his heart. He didn’t like unfinished business. Not with y/n. But he also knew y/n needed space and whether she accepted it or not, her trust, her heart, her defenses were completely obliterated. He would have to hover and stay close and protect her, especially now that they had enemies so close.
He rubbed a hand over his face and stared at the two necklaces on the table. Sabotage and blackmail and guns… It seemed like something out of a movie. Helen Mei. Neenah Jae. Maiya Song.
Namjoon clicked his tongue and turned to look out the window of their study.
Kwang Jae was scum. Absolute scum. Fighting the urge to strangle Kwang with his bare hands, waiting out the red haze that coated his vision when he found the bastard lunging for her… He grit his teeth. Letting y/n make the final call was one of the hardest things he had to do.
And what y/n felt… how could he judge that? What he said was true. Her nerves were shot.
Emotionally, she had conditioned herself to trust Kwang, and sometimes the body wasn’t as good at playing catch up as the mind. And from what he’d heard from y/n, when she talked about it, Kwang was taking his time, savoring every second, using y/n’s body against her.
Y/n was still a little girl on the inside. That little girl was taught to love her parents and not raise her voice at them, not protest any of their decisions for her life, and Kwang was a guardian. A solid male with a strong foundation for always making y/n feel safe… No child would want to disappoint someone that they love, or ever make them unhappy.
It was a crisscross of blurred lines between Kwang’s actions, his intentions and what he’d groomed y/n to feel. He wanted her to be scared of him. He wanted her to feel guilty for saying no to what he wanted to do to her.
A glass paperweight was thrown across the room and shattered against the wall. Kwang wanted y/n to please him.
Namjoon breathed hard, feeling all too helpless, with so much rage and nowhere to put it.
He couldn’t imagine how betrayed y/n was feeling. And he felt bad for pushing her but he had to push. She’d already been minimizing it in her head, highlighting her own feelings instead of his actions.
Just didn’t rape me.
He did. As far as Namjoon was concerned Kwang had been abusing y/n since the day he realized he was sexually attracted to her. But y/n couldn’t see that.
Y/n was ashamed of herself, feeling guilt as if it was her fault, and what made it even worse was her perception of safety.
For a long time Kwang was a safety net. Realistically y/n didn’t walk into oncoming traffic like it was safe, that would be ridiculous, but she was physically forced and also not. He touched her not as an abuser but a lover. And y/n did the only thing she could do in a situation where the odds seemed insurmountable – she dissociated. Ice princess.
Namjoon sighed. Maybe it wasn’t fair to y/n at all to work on the theory he’d been spinning in his head, but the more thought he put into it, the more he knew he needed the story to be reiterated and confirmed. What really happened that day?
Did isolation and dissociation start with the trauma from her father, or did it start with Kwang? And if it started after the incident when she was younger, then how did she react before she defended herself, what did she feel then?
And if things had been different, her emotions, her response, did she alter the event in her mind or maybe she pushed it out of her mind completely. All night she seemed to be reliving the most recent one, instead of blocking it out, but only time would tell.
If he was being honest with himself, Namjoon would rather focus on y/n rather than himself, because he had his own guilt to level with. He would be a fool not to admit that it was disturbing to be faced with the realization that he was part of a plan, that his lapse in judgment was relied on, let alone included in some master plan to ruin his y/n’s life. He was ashamed that it had worked perfectly for Helen, up until y/n decided she wouldn’t leave him.
And he would never leave y/n.
Maybe another man would be fazed with y/n’s reaction, her inability to react as the situation called for it, but Namjoon knew his wife. He knew her better than she knew herself. And he felt y/n’s love… everywhere. He saw proof of it, in his life. His brothers, his band, overlooking his flaws and mistakes – she adored him and never shied away from showcasing it to the people that mattered.
Something inside him smiled dangerously as he remembered how he found Kwang clutching his jaw, blood dripping from his nose. Y/n may not have reacted in time for herself, but when she was clear headed he would remind her that she reacted when it mattered most. For all he knew, it was the same back then when he tried to touch her.
Yeah. The trauma would remain, but his y/n would make it out of this, and he would be right there with her.
And maybe making her relive her trauma so fast was a reckless decision, maybe he’d been harder than he needed to be, maybe incensing and arguing with her wasn’t the best idea and maybe he wasn’t taking this whole Helen, Neenah bullshit seriously enough yet… but one thing was for sure, no one could tell Kim Namjoon how to take care of his wife, absolutely no one knew Kim Y/n better than him, and he would dare anyone to contest that, because the only thing worse than feeling broken, was the one you loved most treating you as if you were.
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Part 30 - Finale [E]
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