the meg

I did it.

I got the job I wanted. No nonsense. No tomfoolery. No hullabaloo.

I did it.

I've been applying to jobs regularly since August. I was denied a promotion for who knows what reason, and ever since then, my day job has been a nightmare.

I've lived my entire life by being soft-spoken, polite, doing what I'm told, and trying to just make it by, day by day. I always felt that someday, I'll get my recognition. Some day, I'll reap what I sow. Some day, I'll get that respect and admiration I think I deserve. I just need to be quiet and polite until then.

But you know what? That magic is gone. That belief system is completely gone now. All I feel is anger and resentment. All I feel is like I've been wasting my time. So I put my foot down. I stopped taking shit from people. I called people out, to their faces, stuff that's bothering me. And you know what? I feel great. No longer do I sit in meetings, scared of getting in trouble. No longer so I stress about doing every odd favor for everyone. The answer is no. I'm not doing it anymore.

Once I put my foot down and started doing what's in my head and following my gut instincts, things have improved. Significantly improved. Confrontation doesn't frighten me anymore because I'm the one in control, and people are frightened of me. I'm not scared anymore. What do I have to be scared of? I'm taking control of my life. And that feels amazing.

I haven't started the new position yet. I gave my two weeks at my current job, and they let me stay home. So I get to hang out at home and get paid to do absolutely nothing. Just like my former boss.

I'm hopeful for the future. The lack of networking and content creation was because of burnout and generally feeling tired; needing a break all the time. Too tired to open an app on my phone. Too exhausted to walk upstairs and turn the PC on. Too late in the day/week to do a photoshoot so we'll try next week. The "next week" where I'm super productive has just never come. I don't think it will. I need to donthat myself. I can't keep waiting for creativity to strike.

The past week I've been doodling in a notebook, writing crap, listening to music. It's getting the juices flowing again. I feel so much more motivated to do this, and I truly want to do this. I can't wait to see what the next year holds.

I accomplished some major goals this year; hosted a marathon/drag show, networked with Troma, was in a pageant, did some live lip syncs on the show, generally stuff that I was holding myself back from doing. Why? Anxiety. But it's just slowly going away. It's the reason it's hard to make friends. It's the reason I'm so shy and frightened. It's the reason I seem like a recluse. Sorry. I'm working on it.

We got this. We can make real work and make a real difference. I'm so excited for what the future holds.

We've done a ton of work last month.

I'm still exhausted. I still haven't regained my energy. But now I'm working even harder.

And life is so much more difficult.

I'm trying my best. It feels like it's not enough. I just can't measure up, and it's fruitless. Like I'm meant to be here. Im.meant to stay stuck in this pit of despair and loneliness.

Maybe things are finally changing. Maybe I really just have to hold oit a little more.

It's so tough. But what if this is really it??

This week is rough so far. I'm trying my best. I don't know what that accounts for, but I'm trying my fucking best.

I'm trying not to mull things over too much. It's so hard not to read too much into things. It's so difficult not to take things personally. Especially when things that are bothering me have been addressed and confronted numerous times in the past. It feels like nobody listens to me.

But that's temporary. Everything will be okay. This isn't forever.

Some day, this will all be a distant memory.

Tromathon was this past weekend. Two months of planning for a single night. Wild.

I did it to prove to myself that I can just do the shit that I want to do. The only thing holding me back is myself. I did this. And I'm proud.

I'm just constantly fighting with my life, the situations I'm forced into every day. It's so hard to keep going. Things are just falling apart. But this isn't my fault. None of this is my fault. I'm just doing my best, and that's really all I can do.

This marathon both stressed me out and prevented me from stressing out over anything else. But is that healthy? Or am I just growing up and choosing where to focus my energy?

I can do anything. I know that. I'm not lazy. I'm just so tired. I'm so exhausted all the time. I keep waiting for my energy to magically come back, but here's the thing: I don't know if it ever does.

I just relaxed this week. It feels like it's been ages since I was able to sit down without worrying or planning or emailing or prepping. Tonight I came home and went to bed. It was okay. My mind is racing a mile a minute. But I'll be okay. Always am.

- m

First post. Yay!

This will be like a blog or something? Idk.

We got this!