I think one of the funniest Goncharov things so far, is the fanartists and tumblr movie theorists being contacted and interviewed by news reporters.
the nyt goncharov article comments are so ridiculous I hate that reporter for even bringing it up
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This is so funny 💀💀 “hospice care”
“One wrong move and this boat will be sailing for red waters, Goncharov. Tick tock, detective”
Goncharov (1973) Dir. Martin Scorsese
I’ve always loved the imagery in the ‘sleeping with the fishes’ scene - so glad ppl are giving this film the love it deserves!
Your "non-confrontational" choices not to communicate hurt the people you don't confront btw. You're not a martyr for keeping everything inside and then running away when other people don't know what's going on with you. You just decided avoiding rejection and sparing your own feelings was easier than being honest and giving them the agency to respond and make their own decisions. You chose to hurt them so they didn't hurt you. You think your feelings are realer and more important than their own care and love for you. You were always just waiting for a sign to run.
"If they cared about me they would have–" did you tell them that? Did you let them know how you feel? How much importance you place on those requirements they don't know they have to meet? This secret criteria and secret signs for your secret feelings? Or are you making them play a game they don't know even exists?
Your choice not to communicate isn't cute. You didn't run because they didn't feel the same for you. You ran so you wouldn't have to risk rejection. You chose to prioritise your own self-protection over their trust in and love for you. At least own that.
For people feeling attacked by this post...
that's okay. give yourself a few minutes. it sucks to be hit with something like this and realize the thing you've been doing, that you were taught was the correct way to be, is causing harm. That your magic "if I keep my feelings to myself, I can't hurt anyone" mantra is actually a lie. That your intense focus on making yourself useful and not a burden has been misapplied.
does it feel unfair to have your attention to everyone else's emotions at the expense of your own characterized as "sparing your own feelings"? it probably hurts to see "falling apart because my own needs were neglected for so long" phrased as a choice to "prioritise your own self-protection."
I get that.
Perception is a hell of a thing.
The thing is, regardless of why you developed these patterns (you'll have to figure that out with your journal or your therapist or whatever your process is), they aren't serving you well now.
"If they cared about me they would have–" is poison thought all around. It hurts the people who are punished for not living up to an expectation they didn't know existed. And it hurts YOU. Sure, some people are just assholes. But if you allow yourself to be open about your feelings and what you need from a relationship (and not just romantic/sexual ones), you may be surprised by how much some people do care. They just show it differently.
ALSO, you will be shocked by how many of those you felt like you were going to the ends of the earth for didn't know how much you cared. Because the way you show it wasn't what they were used to seeing, so they didn't recognize it.
So yeah. Sit with your feelings for a bit. It's okay. We're all just human and we fuck up. But then try pushing yourself to do the opposite of what comes naturally. Open up a little. And if the person really doesn't care, well, you'll find out quickly and be able to put your energies somewhere else.
I’m gonna be blunt here:
1. Your “hurt” is defensiveness, and I don’t care if my taking a while to feel secure about communication in a hypothetical relationship makes you feel defensive.
2. The degree of defensiveness someone has about others being reticent with them tends to correlate with how defensive they get when someone does communicate with them.
3. If you are that kind of person - and I’m prepared to be wrong about this but I’m guessing based on the tone of your initial post (you’re getting pretty yelly there!) + laws of average that you might be that kind of person - then others have a good reason to protect themselves from you.
4. The reason why discussions about this subject are so overwhelmingly tilted in favour of your side of the story, with little or no discussion about how we can all become the kind of person that others feel they can communicate with, is because of the very non-confrontationalness that you are getting so angry about. You are benefiting from people’s reticence about confrontation in a discussion about reticence about confrontation.
5. Based on this second post, people have confronted you two about your stance this time. You do not appear to have listened to their side at all. You appear to be of the opinion that all of it is on nonconfrontational people and none of it is on you, even though you admit that the way you act comes off like you don’t care about others. Is that how you act when someone calls you out about something in real life?
So the next time you’re feeling defensive about someone feeling like they couldn’t communicate with you about something, you sit with your feelings. You reflect on whether you’ve been behaving in a manner that makes it seem like communicating with you is not worth it. You try to do better. It takes two and by putting it all on those people who have trouble communicating, you’re stunting your own growth.
Or if these posts are just you yelling at your younger self/selves, as a lot of Tumblr posts are, have some fucking self-respect.
ALT
