. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ MEMORIES - lee minho ࿐ྂ
pairing: exbf!minho x gn!reader
genre: angst
warnings: toxic relationship, cursing, alcohol consumption, mentions of cheating, reader is very rude (can you blame them?) and yeah general sad behaviors
wc: 3.1k
synopsis: you loved the song “Memories” but it hits different when you start to realize that the song is talking about your current relationship with your ex boyfriend.
a/n (1): this fic is inspired by this. Listen to “Memories” by Conan Gray before starting. English is not my first language so please let me know if I made some mistakes!
It’s been a couple of month,
that’s just about enough time
for me to stop crying when i look at all the pictures
now I kinda smile, I haven’t felt that in a while
Once you set foot in the apartment, you immediately regretted the choice. You already noticed that when you couldn’t stop shaking when you turned the keys in the lock. It had only been two months, yet it seemed that time had never stopped. You thought you’d never come into that place again, but you were there now, in that outdated entrance. Dusty sofa, messy kitchen and locked bedroom. You thought you’d never come into that place again, you were sure, but you were there now. The apartment was exactly as you remembered it, exactly as you remembered it before you ended your relationship with Minho.
With the box in hand you continued your walk towards the sofa, but each step corresponded to a stab in the chest. Every important moment was enclosed in those 4 walls. In that house you could retrace all the steps of your past relationship. Although the wounds were not yet fully healed, you also felt a strong sense of acceptance and peace. Each photograph, still carefully hung, made you unintentionally bruise a smile.
You miss him. You know that. But there’s no going back. Even though he was the best thing in life, you couldn’t go back.
You put the box down before closing your eyes and feeling the atmosphere. The rain that lightly slammed on the glass, the heating fan that started to work and the indelible smell of autumn leaves still imprinted on your clothes. If it wasn’t for the purpose of your return, you would have said it was one of the quietest moments in your life.
It’s late, I hear the door
Bell ringing, and it’s pouring
I open up that door, see your brown eyes at the entrance
you just wanna talk, and I can’t turn away a wet dog
Before you could do anything else, a loud noise interrupted the moment and you were forced to approach the door. Someone rang the bell, and the first thing you did was cross your fingers.
Please don’t be him.
When you opened the door, the new world built in recent months collapsed completely. Seeing those familiar brown eyes, you also saw all the pain that that man made you feel. You would also retrace the day when you promised that for nothing in the world you would give him another chance. There’s no way in hell you’d let the man you loved the most in the world scratch the armor of your heart again. What you had been through was still hard to swallow, and God knows how many times you prayed for the man in front of you to leave you alone. But apparently, the latter didn’t even seem to care. You wanted to slam the door in his face, but nothing could be compared to the way he hurt you. And so you did.
«please y/n» the boy took the door before you could close it completely. «I-I just want to talk- please»
Even though you wanted to yell at him, tell him how much you hated him and get him out of your life for good, you just couldn’t.
You couldn’t do it.
You noticed how thin he was, the bags and dark circles under his swollen eyes and his clothes completely wet because of the storm that had been falling undaunted for two hours. With the empty bottle of soju in his hand, Minho kept looking at you and wondering if you felt what he was feeling.
He certainly felt remorse and shame. But the most fragile thing was repentance. He was so sorry for what he did to you. He had ruined your life and ruined the relationships you were going to have from there. He would have done anything to go back. Even quit his job if it was necessary. But he couldn’t. He had to accept the truth as it was. He had to accept that there would never be a future for you again.
But please, don’t ruin this for me
Please, don’t make it harder than it already is
I’m trying to get over this
«please y/n» Minho approached you. And you were there. Unmoved, hoping that everything that was going on was just happening in your head and that that was another nightmare you’d wake up from.
«y/n, i just want to-» «don’t you dare to touch me» you shook your ex-boyfriend’s hand, but inevitably the door was wide open and you were definitely too far away to close it. His eyes were hooked to yours, and as much as it hurt, you couldn’t stop looking at him. It was so weird to see him like that. And even though it was only two months later, you couldn’t recognize him. It was as if he had let go, as if he had put his health in second place.
Minho started getting closer, and every step of the way, you took one back.
"There’s no way in hell you’d give him another chance" was the only thought in your body.
«c-can we talk?»
«i don’t want to listen to you» you tried to say. «give me only 5 minutes, please» he took your hands and squeezed them, but you didn’t do anything to stop him. You only hoped that your eyes would speak louder and that they would get Minho kicked out of your apartment. And it was weird to think that little house was all yours now. To think that no more than two months ago you shared it with the man you hoped would stay by your side forever. Or rather, with the man who promised to stay with you forever.
I wish that you would stay in my memories
But you show up today just to ruin things
I wanna put in the past ‘cause I’m traumatized
but you’re not letting me do ‘cause tonight
You decided to step away from the edge of the door and go to the kitchen. You didn’t want to lower your guard and show weakness in front of him. You had done it so many times and now you had neither the courage nor the will to do it, you had many weaknesses and Minho knew them all. But now you didn’t mean for him to penetrate your emotions. You were sick of his toxic side and you were so happy to be free of it. Then why did you feel a strong grip on your heart every time you crossed his gaze?
«only 5 minutes and you’ll n-never see me again, but p-please give me 5 minutes» Minho slowly walked into the kitchen but didn’t come near you. Despite the alcohol in his system, he knew he didn’t have to come near you to make you listen. Minho knew all the crap you felt for him, he knew all the pain he had made you feel and the last thing he wanted was to hurt you again.
Meanwhile, you were there, your mind retracing every second of your past relationship and all the mistakes you both made. Your eyes that begged you to let out tears and your hands that didn’t even ask your permission, on the contrary, started shaking like leaves and you didn’t even notice. He was the past, and you would do anything to make sure he wasn’t in your present.
you’re all drunk in my kitchen, curled in a fetal position
to busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say
“I wish that you would stay in my memories”
in my memories, stay in my memories
«get out Minho, you are drunk, and i don’t want to have this conversation when you are definitely not sane» before letting it continue you corrected yourself. «in fact, I don’t want to talk to you and that’s it» The man in front of you frowned and it seemed that he also was struggling to hold back tears.
And you turned around because seeing him like that made you think you were the architect. It was your fault that the most beautiful relationship you had ever had was completely dissolved. "It’s all my fault, all my fault, mine, mine" was the only thought that came up every time you saw his tears.
You didn’t deserve to feel this way after what he made you feel. If everything was gone, it was because of him.
«please» Minho knelt down. He knelt before you for the second time. The first was always in this apartment, exactly one week after you moved in.
"You probably would have preferred me to ask you at another time and not in the new kitchen that is still dirty and needs fixing. But ever since I bought this ring, I can’t help myself, and I need to ask. y/n l/n, I never believed in forevers, but it’s been 5 years since we’ve been together and you’re the reason I started to believe that something can actually last forever. You know, I’ve always been undecided, but one thing I’m sure of, y/n. You’re the person I want by my side forever, you’re the person I love, and you’ll always be everything I need. And I want to live forever more moments like this with you. And I’m asking you here, in the dust and the boxes, to marry me. Give me the honor of continuing to believe in forevers with you"
Too bad that forever was very short.
«You know it hurts? It hurts to see you here after 2 months since we broke up» you had decided to look at him but your eyes had stopped fighting and now your cheeks were wet. «And what’s even more fun is that I was well again. I had finally managed to get you out of my mind and continue my life. I had managed to make you only a memory. And I» your hand violently cast away tears. It was hard to talk, but if he wanted to talk, then you’d make sure you had the last word. «I only hoped that you would remain in my memories»
«but I don’t want to remain your memory y/n» Minho almost screamed but from his voice you managed to perceive despair not anger. «y/n, I was like this when I asked you to marry me, remember?» the boy got up and knelt before you again. But this time he managed to take your hands and you once again did nothing.
«This was the ring that you gave me. I-I still have it, see?» Minho raised a hand in front of your face and the first thing your eyes fell on was the silver ring you gave him on your fifth anniversary.
«I told you I would never take it off. I told you I would keep it on my deathbed too» the boy still took your hands.
«Minho you’re raving, stop-»
«I still have 4 minutes, listen to me» his eyes did not go away from yours. But as much as you wanted to be strong, your legs were about to give out, and all those moments that Minho was making you voluntarily remember made you fragile. Maybe even too much.
«Do you know why I still have it? Because it is the only thing I have left of you. I have nothing left y/n. Even your perfume has completely left my clothes. I have nothing left. And I need you, just like I told you when I proposed» The boy got up before continuing, but his hands did not leave yours that he was not going to stop shaking. «I know that what I have done is unforgivable-» «if you know then why are you here?» You tried to say, but he interrupted you again.
«Because I don’t want to give up. I can’t live without you anymore y/n. I stopped doing all the things we did together because the pain is too much to bear. Soonie is always waiting for you at the door and Dori is always on the left side of the bed. And it’s heartbreaking y/n. It’s heartbreaking to know that you won’t walk through that door or that you won’t be on that side of the bed anymore. I have tried to go further, to think of something else or to know someone, but how can I concentrate on a new person when you are the only person who constantly occupies my thoughts? You are the only person I love, the only person who makes me feel alive. Y/n you are my light and since you are not there, I have only darkness around me»
Minho stopped so unexpectedly that you were paralyzed for a second. You couldn’t believe what he was saying. Every word he said meant a punch in the face.
now I can’t say “Goodbye”
if you’ll stay here the whole night
you know it’s to find an end to something that you keep beginning
over and over again
«Why didn’t you try to protect that light then? Why did you prefer to fucking blow on it at any moment?» You pushed him away, he was so close to your body that you couldn’t breathe. And you didn’t know what to do. You didn’t know whether to scream, keep crying, throw him away, or just sit and talk to him.
Minho, however, did not answer, he continued to scrutinize you, also completely tired from the tears. He was silent, perhaps because he was looking for the right words to continue or maybe because he simply had nothing to say.
«you’re so selfish» you started saying. You said it so quietly that you thought he didn’t hear it, but he was actually just waiting for you to go on. «you have continued to tell me how much you have been bad, how much I have made you suffer, how much you have done everything in order to go on, how much you can’t live anymore, but you have not minimally thought about how did i feel, how much did I suffer?» Your finger hit his chest repeatedly as you emphasized the "you".
«I know what I did is unforgivable» again. "Maybe you didn’t understand" you thought. And you were tired. Fed up with the fact that he hadn’t looked at reality yet.
«you cheated on me Minho» you shouted hoping that it would hurt less. Hoping that the wound would not open quickly. But you also felt satisfaction when you noticed that the statement hurt him more. Minho walked away slowly but without looking away from you. His body had also begun to tremble. And you were at least grateful that the pain was mutual. The only difference was that you felt anger and disappointment, but he felt a strong sense of disgust with himself. He knew he had broken the most precious thing in the world, but he didn’t think hearing it had that kind of impact.
«How could I forgive you after such a thing?»
I promise that the ending always stays the same
so there’s no good reason in make-believing
that we could ever exist again
«Let’s start all over again» Minho tried everything for everything, but a part of him knew what the answer would have been. «are you kidding?» They were the only words that came out of your mouth before you left.
You couldn’t believe it. Once again he couldn’t respect your limits. Once again he had crossed the line that you had barely drawn.
«I need you y/n» you turned again and your arms embraced you throughout your waist, maybe to seek some comfort. «and I need you to leave me alone» you didn’t even try to drive away the tears. What was the point anyway?
«y/n, i-i love you and if we tried-» «there is no "we" Minho! There will never be a "we" because you decided to ruin everything!» no longer mattered to you. Even if he saw you crying or screaming or despairing, it wouldn’t have changed anything. And if there was one thing you learned especially after your relationship with Minho, it was that you couldn’t keep it all inside because then you would explode. Just like at that moment. You fell to the ground and with your eyes closed you hoped again that everything was just a dream. A nightmare.
«Go away Minho» you begged him again. But he had another plan.
I can’t be your friend, can’t be your lover
can’t be the reason we hold back each other from falling in love
with somebody other than me
He sat before you and took your hands again. «I still want you in my life. I know it’s too much to bear but we can remain friends for a while. We can stay in touch and-» for the nth time that night you interrupted him. «friends? Minho how can I be your friend if every time I look at you I only see disgust» you tried to free yourself from the grip but it was all useless because you felt too weak.
«don’t do this to me» Minho cried again. He cried and he didn’t even do anything to stop. He was just looking at you. And a small part of him, a very small part of him, was hoping that you could feel mercy to see him like this.
«I can no longer have you in my life Minho. I must go on, we must go on»
«how can I go on when you are the reason why I will never fall in love again» he was more serious, probably because he wanted you to understand it 100%. But as time went on, the more he heard your answers, his hopes slowly drifted away. There was nothing left in his soul but a huge void. He shattered your heart into a million pieces, and you probably still had a hard time picking them all up. He couldn’t go back, he couldn’t change. Everything he did was irreversible and Minho finally figured it out.
«My light has gone out definitively» the phrase caught you by surprise and you looked at him immediately. You no longer saw sadness on his face, but only a great and profound resignation. It’s like nothing ever happened and he wrapped you in a hug. A hug as warm as cold because it would probably be the last.
«Thank you for making me believe in forevers» he cupped your cheeks and his thumbs gently removed your tears. «but I think that from now on I won’t believe in it anymore», a slight smile hinted before continuing.
«I will love you forever and you will always be the only owner of my heart» a kiss on the forehead was the last touch that Minho gave you.
And without adding anything else, he stood up and walked to the door and you followed him slowly. You couldn’t believe it. Was it over? You must have felt relieved, especially after everything he said to you. Then why did you feel this great weight on your heart?
«You know Minho, not only you lost your light that day» Minho turned to the sound of your voice and opened his eyes a little.
«you were my sun» Still with tears in your eyes, you smiled at him.
«I am sorry for all the pain that I have provoked you, but I beg you, make that light shines again. There is someone out there who will take care of it, certainly better than me» he said.
Once he turned around, you closed the door and you were ready to finally close that chapter of your life. That night was the last time you spoke to Lee Minho, but it was also the first time in months that you felt free.
You were ready to shine again.
a/n (2): OMG HI HOW ARE YOU??? It’s been so long since the last time I posted and I’m so sorry for my inactivity. I didn’t have much motivation to write during the last few months so I preferred to take a rest. Btw, I really hope you enjoyed my new work and I’m not that kind of person but I’d really appreciate if you could like and reblog it 🫶🏻. I’d also really appreciate some opinions about it. This took me so long but it’s personally one of my favorite. School break is over in less than 4 days and idk how much active I will be but I’m always on Tumblr. Feel free to contact me or anything! Thank you so much for reading, your support helps me so much. Have a nice day/night ❤️
