@pointsincase was kind enough to publish this silly thing I wrote about the Middle-West, meat products, theological conundrums, and perhaps murder(?!?). Intrigued? Then (to paraphrase former presidential hopeful and somehow least embarrassing member of the Bush family, Jeb! Bush) please click.

I am the worst version of myself when I have to share a communal laundry room in an apartment complex.

My patience for humanity is yanked from my soul and suddenly I'm weirdly sympathetic towards comic book supervillains who just want to death-ray the Earth until it melts.

I wrote a thing about the afterlife and the fact that you can rate graveyards on the internet. (It's true.) If you have a moment, consider giving it a read.

Laying in bed, sick, achy, eyes swirly and unable to adjust, looking at the lights on all the little machines I have set up in my room, not quite understanding how it is that our planet is closer to the sun during this time of year but because of a tilt the world is a colorless tundra of meh and I saw a loogie frozen on the sidewalk last week. This season is ridiculous and I refuse to get out of bed until it sorts itself out. https://www.instagram.com/p/C09q9WNr37e/?igshid=OTk0YzhjMDVlZA==

The best thing I can do for myself when I'm trudging through a migraine is shut myself in a bathroom with the lights turned off and my personage placed close enough to the toilet that I can reach it for any vomiting that might occur when the brain-pain starts to make me nauseous but far enough away that I can't smell the chemical or other toilet smells because, in my tender sea sick state, any strong odor will lead to puking. Proximity is key. Too close: vomit. Too far: vomit (but on floor or me). So I have figured out the goldilocks just rightness of many a bathroom where I can sit and ride the waves of pain and nausea.

Usually, light will sneak in from under the door, but after years of dealing with the sensitivity brought on by the migraine that turns every ray of sunshine into a glowing hot poker jammed deep into my eye socket, I've developed a decent fetal curl that both relaxes my legs and back and also hides my face thus blocking out any pesky light and aforementioned toilet stink. Vampires could learn a thing or two from my style. I cast out the light in relative comfort and, so compact and hidden, I dare any Van Helsing to try and find and stake me.

Please let this be the basis for that Winston Churchill biopic. Please. I don't ask for much in this life, I just want to believe that someone wrote a book about sexy Winston Churchill pulling a Die Hard.

Texting with Scammers, continued...

Scammer: Hey, Timothy, can my car be repaired to tomorrow?

Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.

Scammer: Oh no! I'm so sorry! I hope I did not offend!

Me: No worries at all. 

Scammer: Thanks for the reminder. I have found the right [number?] Meeting is fate. You are a kind friend. I don't mind having one more friend.

Me: That's very kind but actually, and this is very embarrassing to admit, I am legally not allowed to have friends. 

I won't bore you with the details but it's a whole court order, plea bargain, reduced sentence, blah blah blah sort of thing.

I can't have a Facebook, a Twitter, an Instagram, or any sort of social media at all. It's a real drag. I love having a group of pals. 

And might I add -- and this can just stay between you and me -- far as I can tell, it isn't technically "illegal" or "immoral" to befriend people and, over the course of a year, convince them that they should allow me to eat them. I mean, convincing isn't a crime, right? It's like convincing someone to vote for a certain candidate. I'm not committing fraud just by being persuasive. It's still their choice.

The "justice" system in this country is such bullshit.

Anyways, like I said, I can't have any friends for the time being but  if you're still interested in about 10 yrs I'd love to have you for dinner sometime. 

Scammer: ????

FIN.

People in the year 456 must have been losing their minds on January 23.

The key to texting with scammers is to have a lot of free time and boredom

I enjoy texting with scammers

If all of my takes are garbage takes then do I really need to make the distinction anymore?

I got another piece of comedy published by Points in Case. It's about giant genetically engineered presidents and, I dare say, makes for great Thanksgiving reading. Read it aloud to the family, make it a yearly tradition, dress up as a mutant George Washington and terrorize your loved ones! Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

All trees look like monsters at night.

Haven't kept up much with Mortal Kombat but if by this point in the series Johnny Cage hasn't transitioned from action star to guy who has a podcast on Spotify where he gets baked, waxes philosophical with his bros, and talks smack about the other MK fighters, then I think they're denying his true path

Is there a way to use Google Lens to see just how many photos I've accidentally walked into? I'd like to make a collage of pictures taken by strangers where I'm in the background making a "yikes" face.

I like to pretend that whale sounds CDs are just audio books of Moby Dick narrated from the perspective of the whale.